As you may or may not have noticed, I've been offline for a few months. I've been growing increasingly tired of Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, and whatever else is out there, and since blogging is such an ancient art that was perfected long ago (by me), I thought it'd be cool to be retro and bring it back in style.
There are a few things I feel like I need to clarify first. This was brought to my attention by my husband, who rarely goes online (except for when he wants to look at pictures of botched celebrities). He googled me, and found nothing but horrible pictures of me from a decade ago. Probably doesn't help that most of the search results are fake blogs claiming to be me, and the rest of the websites are either claiming that I'm a prostitute or a gold digger.
Well, these are the facts: This is the only website out there that is written by me, Lars Tangen-Ackerman, I'm running three successful businesses, and neither include selling sex or digging for gold. I'm paying my taxes on time, and I've been happily married for almost 4 years now.
Although I am flattered that those haters think I am attractive enough that someone would actually pay to have me sexually, I think it's highly inappropriate, but when I go off the grid, it keeps me on the radar, and even though I'm not sure what that radar is, I assume it's better to be on it than not.
I remember from elementary school that they said that everything we put online will come back to haunt us, but I humbly say that they were wrong: When people claim to be you and spread false rumors online about you, you have no control over that, and by the way, Karma is gonna come and bite you in the ass. (Karma's got razor sharp teeth)
I was originally gonna make a "2018 Year In Review" post, but figured that 2018 sucked so much that it's probably better to move on, and erase it from my memory. I'll erase it from my memory as soon as I have put up a few dreadful 2018 photos on my website, so that it can be remembered for all eternity, and when the AIs take over the world, they'll know that I gained 20 pounds and lost it again -- all in the same year, just again showing how uniquely talented and valuable to society I am.
As a highly respected human being in my community, I concluded that photoshopping should be left for the pros, and be reserved for those who are too insecure to show that they don't look like Barbie dolls in real life. Okay, truth be told: I'm too lazy to even think about editing away my giant pores. I don't have enough time on my hands to spend an hour editing a semi-shitty photo of myself that only my family, friends, and stalkers will see. For your amusement, I should say.
In 2018 we became local celebrities on the Westside. Even the CVS I go to had seen us on TV, and when I went in to pick up my Xanax, which by the way every successful person in L.A. has in their pocket at all times, but never talk about, I will sacrifice myself and be honest. Let's face it, the world is ending, we all have anxiety up to here, and unless you're one of those loons who meditate under a tree for anxiety relief, you need that little blue one to let your inner beauty and talents shine. I thought I was hallucinating when I saw pictures of us on the walls. I guess being on the wall of fame at the local CVS is quite a big accomplishment. If I don't survive 2019, I want "he was loved by his pharmacist" on my gravestone.
On Christmas Eve, we had our chosen family over for my dreadful vegan cooking, and lots of champagne. We also played cards with our niece, and that's all I can remember. We all know the holidays suck, and the fact that they are finally over, gives me enough strength to get out of bed in the morning.
I'm Lars, born and raised in Norway, living the dream in California.